just feel like blogging suddenly.

perhaps today is a day that a lot of things went through my mind.

recently, i have been thinking a lot about my career path.
thinking about what i really want in life.
thinking about what fits me best.
thinking about the current path i am taking.

since the age of 14, i started working part time.
as much as most of my peers are still getting money from their parents,
i chose to feed myself.

i have tried......
Selling books
Vitamin Promoter
Insurance telemarketer
Admin Job
Handphone Promoter
Sentosa Attraction Ride Operator
Shoe Promoter
Street Surveyor

Yes, that was what i have tried in my 9 years of life.
School holidays never meant holidays.
All i thought of was how to make more money during the holidays.

In uni days, when my friends were all having fun on weekends,
i was maximising all time i had working.
public holidays meant double pay and it also meant work for me.

1st year in Uni i spent working at Prudential.
work was always after school from 5pm to 9pm.
i did telemarketing, street surveys
2nd and 3rd year in Uni was spent working on weekends.
Time for myself? hardly. at most it was a meal after work with my ccolleagues.

hobby? i never had one..
cousin used to joke about me.
if i ever have a hobby. it will be working.

thinking back and looking at my achievement today,
i cant help but i just feel like letting the tears run this time.

back then, i had to help customers wear shoes, hold their socks,
get scolded for being slow in selling the books,
get slammed down by people during cold calls,
get rejected and pushed away from people on the streets,
staying in the rain and getting my whole feet and body drenched for 8 hours,
clearing vomits,
clearing rubbish bins.

it was because of all the experiences i had,
i told myself,
i will work even harder in life.
there have to be someone in the family to break the poverty cycle.
and it has to be me.

at the age of 23, i own a car.
in these 3 mths, probably i have earned what my peers will earn in 1 year.
give my parents at least $800 per month.
bring them out for fine dining at least once a week.
fetched my dad to ah ma hse twice a week.
bring my parents around for sightseeing
(brought them to Zoo, Bird Park, Singapore Flyer, East Coast Park, Sentosa etc...)

As much as i am proud of myself and my achievements,
I am tired.
I am really tired.
I am really really tired.

I have been shouldering too much.
I have been bearing too much.
I need a break.

It's time for me to rethink my career path.
Perhaps a time also for me to find the courage to live for myself.
for me to do something i really like.

Sometimes, i feel like i am on the verge of breaking down.
i feel like that i am pushing myself too much.
i feel that i am expectating too much from myself.

Maybe like what one of my friend said: You need a man.
You need someone who truly understands you and will guide you along the way.
You need someone who can help shoulder the burden together with you.

i used to disagree.
but i have to admit that's the truth.

** Maybe i am not strong afterall.

thanks for listening dear blog.
i am okay already.
just a bit emo as memories of my life flashed back.
going to sleep now.
once i wake up, everything will be great.
tomorrow will be a better day!